“We become able to make wise and loving decisions based on principles and ideals that have real values in our lives.” NA Basic Text p105
“Jesus answered them, I spoke openly to the world………….” John 18:20
Jesus spoke those words above shortly after being arrested and asked by the High Priest about his teachings. I love how Jesus plainly says, “I spoke openly to the world”. He had nothing to hide, there were no skeletons in the closet. He spoke the same to the High Priest as He would have to the peasant. When you have principles and ideals that have real value, you are what you speak.
During my time using and in my various addictions, my principles and ideals served me and nobody else. I was a chameleon that would change colors based on my environment to get what I wanted. I forgot who the real me was and became what I thought everybody else wanted me to be or who I needed to be in a given situation. I would often find myself in retaliatory situations or simple revenge mode. You talked shit about me, I talked shit back whether it was true or not. Someone would push me, I would push back harder until they fell on the floor. I was a badass in my own mind. I wouldn’t even allow myself to feel good feelings because I did not want the hurt that comes along with them.
I am learning who I am now. I am finding that I do not need to feel superior or inferior to anybody. The real value is being who I am and not being who my ego wants me to be. My behavior before has cost me dearly, and it will take some time before real healing takes place. But I know that as long as I work the steps and place my Higher Powers’ will over my own, I can stop the destruction behind me.
Let me say to that doing the 12 steps can be a pain in the ass at times. The Basic Text and the computer become quite heavy. It seems like a lot of work to set aside time to pray and to meditate. I have now gone through them several times and currently go through them each week. I have found that some of my biggest breakthroughs come from forcing myself to do the things I know I must do.
Instead of wishing I had this or that, I have become grateful and thankful for each moment. That is a real key too…..living in the moment. Yes, we have to dig into our past, identify the things we’ve done wrong, acknowledge the people we’ve hurt and attempt to make amends where possible. But we also have to live in the moment. Yesterday is done and tomorrow is not yet here. We can spend the time being the real person we are.
Until tomorrow my friends………be good to yourself.