“We need not lose faith when we become rebellious” NA Basic Text p35
“Your Word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path.” Psalms 119:105
Rebellion seems to be in our nature. I know for sure it is in my nature. If something doesn’t go the way I expect it to or I don’t get the answer I want, I will rebel in some way. Usually it is by getting angry or getting even. I can tell you this though, neither action has changed a situation and many times just made things worse.
This is how I reacted to my environment before getting clean and sometimes after being clean I found myself acting rebelliously to some situations. When I needed that next pain pill I would get very upset with folks who I knew had Vicadin, Demerol or whatever and wouldn’t just give me a couple. Seriously? Yet these same people wanted to bum cigarettes and rides? Screw them. I would keep asking around until someone gave in and in the meantime talk shit about the ones who already turned me down.
The rebelliousness didn’t stop though just because I got clean. Remember this is a disease and some side effects from a disease will come up. If I did not get the response from people I wanted, they certainly were not going to have me watch their back. Soon though all that rebellion turns into resentment. Resenting folks for not giving or doing what I wanted them to do. Talk about a character defect.
Uncovering this part of my character came up while doing my personal inventory. A personal inventory which I do daily now to keep myself on track. My rebelliousness can only be overcome by continually addressing it every day. Part of addressing that is praying to God, my Higher Power, to remove these character defects. I know I have to do my part as well. That part is growing more conscious of myself while allowing God to remove these character defects. I need His direction in my life, especially when it seems to be unmanageable and insane. The Step work and daily meditation really does keep my path lit.
There is light and the end of the tunnel. There will always be times where we struggle with some of our character defects. It is in those times of struggle where we really grow individually and spiritually.